Hahaz...itz the end of the paperz! Finally I can put my mind to rest. As I mentioned in my multiply, I had put all my worries to the side and give my FULLEST attention to my paper that I can hardly think of him. Alhamdulillah. I din cry but I still misses him.. What to do, I have to resists the temptation of messaging him. Haiz...sampai bila pun tak tahu la nak......If I cant take the temptation, I think I will just send him an email....whether he replies anot, itz really up to the person to evaluate...
Read his blog(pandai2la korang cari siapa) and behold and behold!!!! Fuyoo...itz his turn to talk bout the topic which has always been in my mind..What's Love? Hahaz, I din expect him to write bad things bout love cuz hez the one who said love is wonderful. Apa-apala...He is hurt and I can only blame myself for the hurt that I have caused him. In a way, I am still wondering why
he changed his perspective about love...Guess all is due to me...All I can say is, I am truly disappointed in him cuz after that event, he has totally changed? Seriously speaking, I really, REALLY do not know what changed him...Is it because of me? If it is, I am surely gonna blame myself for the whole life. I really dunnoe, I guess I have caused him to really suffer that it caused him to changed his perspective. Whatever he told me during our relationship about love is the theory that Aishah gave him back. Haiz...those were the days...
In a way both were right in their own ways, I still belief in my point about love. Yeah, itz the previous post and the previous,previous post which i dunnoe when was the date. To think, I actually made a promise not to talk about love. I guess my promises are meant to be broken. I have learnt really a lot from this relationship. If a person says therez nuthin wrong with a different tone, it means therez something wrong just that the person dun want to hurt you. Haiyah! If only I can read his mind or something, haiz..but to no avail, I will never be as great as him in any way....Back to my solitude of being low self-esteem...Apa nak jadi, jadila...
Gue sudah malasi nak melayan perasaan yang hanya berbaur kesedihan selalu..........
Haiz...Life is like this!
Love
Makes the world go around
When its at the wonderful side
Dead
When itz at the downside...
|11:29 PM|
After what has happened recently, I cant help but wonder why after all this while I still love him. In a way, if being posessive means being mean, then I guess it is. Thats a thing I need to control in myself...
Have you ever felt your heart beating fast just seeing the one you love online? Just seeing him being online can just made my heart beat fast. Never mind about his nick, I just want to him to be safe. At least I know hez alive. Why eh? I wonder what will happen if he really calls. Will my heart skip a beat? I miss hearing his voice, his words of wisdom, his touch of love, his everything but now, I have to control this feeling of mine. I will not call him unless he asked me to. Thatz a promise I made to myself. No doubt I will feel pain, cry a thousand nites but what to do, im afraid he will not talk to me like normal. What if, suddenly another person picked up the phone? What if, he just put down the phone knowing its me?
A friend once told me, you have to be strong. Its no use if its just an empty dustbin. In fact, all my friends knew that I love him a lot and I will not listen to my mind and just call him if I cant take the pain of missing him. I doubt he will ask me again..I caused him too much trouble already. Too much that I think it has taken a toil on him. I have to suffer in order to give him happiness. It's great to know he moves on..as for me, I am still picking up from crying every nite. Sometimes, recollections of all the memories will just fly by and I will cry. Alwayz happen as I am about to sleep. I try not to think of it but culdnt help myself. If only I have some control over my feelings, then I think I will not cry.
They say if you dont feel pain, its not called love. I feel the pinch of pain just that nobody sees it. If you see my face in the street, you will not see the sadness in it. I am surrendering to fate now. Whatever you see now may or may not be the same me anymore. I just hope he knows that I still love him a lot and that whatever that happens has been the best days of my life at the age of 19.
Love, HaH! Its the most beautiful thing when everything goes well. Suddenly, it crumbles and thats when you see the other side of love. Remember the time that I said we have to take care of it so that you wont get to see the other side? I failed to take care of it. Chances are given and I did not take care of it. Wellz, no point crying over spilled milk. I just hope I could just stop all the memories from flying in so that I have a peaceful nite sleep.
Look up,
Look down,
Life is
But a mixture of both
|11:47 PM|
Whoo Hoo! For the past 2 days, me and my family went out…It was great yeah once in a while going out with your family… I managed to sleep late last nite…5am in the morning..Got that? Hahaz…5am?! I was chatting till 4.30am then sort out my thinking first after receiving something I din expect to receive. Haiz…I was chatting with my secondary school friend till 3am and then my fren who is studying in Today, I went out again with my parents to Geylang. We bought tickets to the mega warnaria. I bought tickets for my bez fren too so that I can sit next to her and her fren. But whatever…so long as we sit next to each other, I am happy. As for her friend, err…Hello..Hahaz… Then I followed my mum to Golden Chance to buy a necklace. Its trade in yeah..so dun get the wrong idea. She just needed to add a little amount of money. I also repaired my bangle. Wokayz la..I choose her necklace for her and thank god shez happy with it. Hope everything lasts well…I really hope we could go out often as a family…Haiz…If only I am this close to my other family….. What I did to others and what they did to me seem to be forgotten. I believe in forgive and forget all the bad things. But some people, Forgive but will never forget. Till now, I am still shocked by the news. I seem to wonder what have I done to deserve this. What the heck, I believe this people will get their fair share. Perhapz, because I am so easily forget about the stuff that I did that I have to get this kind of retribution. Haiz, itula..cakap pasal orang lagi.. And to those who felt a pinch, sorry yeah…I din mean it to be that way… Life is perfect
Yesterday, I spend the whole day in JB...wellz....I went to my cousin's house and we chatted(our mums)....shez in Sec 5 this year and will be sitting for her SPM...Wish her all the best...Shez my cousin and her brother and I goes a long way back....Hahaz..we used to play match make and her brother and I will always be a couple...If that could happen now..Hahaz..I doubt so..I mean hez a malaysian and will be working there while I am a singaporean and the blood is super related...Haiz..Yeah..hez an arab like me...but we cant be together...But I do have a crush on him..What the heck..he wont like me either...I am so rough like a boy...perhapz being more feminin shuld be on my agenda...
At night rather, I was shocked by another news..Wellsz, what I can say is..whatever my fren said about B is correct. No doubt bout it. I cant say anything and to think I defended him. Haiz…..Apa2lah….I am giving the white flag to him…move on with my life…Its time to hit the books now.
So Not!
There will be downs of Life
Look at the upz of life to be happy
|10:13 PM|
Well, well, well
Again today, I went reminscing again with the time I had with B...But again..it was in town? Was walking down the road and still got time to reminiscing? I cant take it anymore but whatever it is I have to be strong, aint I?
So yeah, I was out shopping with Aishah. It was great, though..Be like a rich tai-tai just by entering and window shopping. Kewl huh?! Woritez ar...Actually nuthin much really happen but at least I fulfill the desire to go out like everyday this week just to forget the pain but did it really happen?
NO! It din..In fact, I think it got worst? I mean...I nearly cried in front of Aishah as we ate at burger king cuz therez where me and B ate for the first date...and also a lot of times afterwards..I nearly could not finish my burger..I din finish the fries though.......I was full, what to expect..and my mind is clouded by the sweet moments of me and him.
Till now, I still could remember his jokes, his sarcasm, his touch, his everything....I wonder if he is feeling the same way but I hope he does...I mean..I know I shouldnt have questioned it but how would I know? Its his mind and heart not mine, aint it? Haiz.........Love, Ha!
I cant believe myself...why did I cry for love? Why do I keep reminscing the days i had with him? Why do I still yearned for him to ask me again? Why? WHY? I guess itz still fresh thus I have to feel this way. I really, REALLY hope...this will not be the last time for there will alwayz be hope as time passes us thru...
Again...untill the true soulmate comes, I shall, be what I am...Happy and improvising myself....
Love is there
It will comes
Just wait
For it will give a more refreshing feeling to it as it comes.........
|8:51 PM|
Hey ya peepz....initially I wanted to write a bad one for B but becuz B is so nice by saying that he still loves me though we cant be together, I decided not to write any. Whatever it is B, stay happy always and dun be half dead. I hope you will cheer up. We will alwayz be connected thru thick and thin. I love you too but truth to be told, we just cant be together just yet.. Haiz...I think HE still loves us.(if you know what I mean) Look at it the positive side. In a perfect world, we are a perfect couple living happily with no worries...but here, it aint gonna happen..or WILL IT? Only time will tell...But I wont forget you calling me mean, though...Haiz...
Hmm...yeah..today..what did I do..I was reminiscing the days of me and B together.After everything we have gone through, it have to end this way. I hate the way it end. It end abruptly not giving me a chance to redeem myself for the hurt I have caused B. Seriously, I really hate the way it end. I dun even want it to end either. I actually cried in my sleep everyday for 2 weeks now. Reason, I know we have to part the day he gave me the bad news. I did not know why I cried...Is this it? Is this the pain where all the couples when they broke up felt? Is this the pain of hearbroken?
I wont forget the experience that B have given me. He gave me the motivation to do well, the courage to go all out, the tips to study, the tips to upgrade myself and most of all, he made me feel LOVED. He gave me love. He actually created a bond between us that we actually communicated without using the technology that was available. Or is that just a coincidential event? Whatever it is, I think it was love that communicated us thru. But now, NOW, it have to end. Due to me, he did all sorts of things that he never thought he would do. Is that love? Protecting the love that has been created out of this relationship, maybe?
Whatever it is, I shant say hes the best yet cuz hez the first boy who made me feel special. Hez the first boy who asked me to be the girl in his life to fill the emptiness inside of him. Hez the first who made me feel the wonderful world called LOVE. Everytime I am with him, itz like there was only us together. No one was in the world. Only US.
When we part, then I realised therez another world called reality. Reality sets in and then I realised if only I din do this, then the world called LOVE culd have stand a bit longer...But NO! I forget the reality part. I dunnoe bout him but thats how I really felt. I really hope if we could have turn the clock backwards, perhaps we could have save that world that we have created.
Now, I really hope that he would still be in his full form cuz once hez half dead, I will be also. The world hasn been shattered...but hope will be there cuz therez such a thing called FUTURE. Will the future turn the fate around and let us be together? Only time will tell...
Till the day I find the true soulmate, I will improvise myself in terms of my IQ, EQ and my physique. If you guys have seen me in the friendster picture and the added picture in Cutie Me in my multiply website, you will notice that I have started wearing Eyeliner. In future, I think, you guys will see me wearing not that loose clothes, perhaps if I wear them, it will look good on me..hahaz...
Hope is still there
When there's a future
Whatever happens
Its for a good reason....
|11:38 PM|
Hey....I played this instrument when I was in Dunearn Military Band..N cant believe its true...
Which band instrument are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
|11:42 PM|
Hey2..............Haiz....
Today...I guess itz bad mood again for me...I cant believe my eyes yet again..But what the heck..I shall persevere with the test that I am in right now..Live to die......Haiz......Yeah2...again...look thru the multiply site again..dunnoe why I wanted to read it but never mind..Like i said..truth to be told, the love was just not meant to be.........Sometimes I wonder why....What mistakes have I done wrong to deserve it...Haiz...
I shall be like Kahlen in America's Next Top Model where she managed to fight her sadness behind to produce a good picture in the end. For me...fight the jealousy inside of me and fight the pain that I am in to produce good result for the only paper left on the 28th September...Now, its the holidays and I dunnoe how am I goin to survive the pain..to keep busy is not my utmost list..At the most I can do is set up a template for the Final Year Project. Haiz....
Leave the Pain behind
Leave the problem aside
Cuz No matter how you do it
Itz just in the head..........
Only then will you realise
How great life is............
Ciaoz....Cya!
|12:52 PM|
Haiyeah....Finally left with one paper...and still waiting for a call from B...Haiz...
Today, I went jogging! Can you believe it? I went jogging at the school stadium...First time eh...haiz..out of the 6 rounds I did....3 rounds I run..the other 3 rounds..I walk..Hahaz..Very funny..
Wokayz la..tried to run but I cant do it..Help! I am trying to find my stamina and the Perseverance...One day I will...But it will take months or even days...
Reason for doing jogging:
- to release the stress that I am in..considering I flung like almost all the papers...
- to release the toxics in my body...considering I have been staying up late just to study for the papers
-to forget the worries I am in since B is back..I cant stop thinking about B..N I still cant believe how i treated B the other day..cant forget the conversation though it was short..I miss the voice but truth to be told...haiz........
Yeah...thatz the reason...need me to ask for more? Haiz........I just love the person but I dunnoe..the love was just not meant to be...I hope it was though...Never mind..till the day B calls..will I know the consequences of my wrongdoings which in fact after thinking it was the both of us fault. So..............Haiz.........
Dreaming in wonderland...
Being Smug by reality
Woke up in shocked
Hope was back in wonderland........................................:'(
|9:11 PM|
OMG! You peepz know, I was expecting a call from this someone (B). When B finally calls, I treat B like as if I wasn’t expecting the call. I usually do not treat B liddat. Man! I mean I was shocked myself. I wonder why I even reacted that way. There were a lot of silent moments. Those moments, I think if I were to ask how he was doing would be enough to cover up for the loading webpage. But NO! I was just waiting for the web page to load. To me, the silence moment was ok but when I put down the phone, then I realized that actually, it was ODD. I mean, never in my life would I be quiet to B but today, TODAY, I actually kept quiet while waiting for the webpage to load. Now, then I realize why B keeps saying, “Hello? Are u still there?” B: Goodbye, Take care and see u soon Me: Err..Bye and take care of urself 2( Wonder if B listen) Wow! Did I just do that? I think I did. Gosh! It’s still a miracle how it happens but never mind. I am sure B would understand that I am having my exams and that could the reason for the cold reaction that I gave. Even the talk about last 2 Wednesday ago was not even mentioned. Guess it’s best not mention cuz it will only affect my studies. 2 more papers to go…and off to 1 week holiday before the next paper..28th September. Adios now!
|7:49 PM|
Well, oh...well...
After 2 weeks of suffering in sickness, I am now certified as FINE. Yupz...fine but stress is on the way...In fact, I am stress with the Exams..which is happening like NOW? What am I doing? Blogging when I am supposed to be Mugging...Shuckz...So tired..but I have to focus and hope for the best outcome tmrw..Already flung my first paper last friday..Reason..THE CLEVER COMPUTER....AND NOT ENOUGH TIME TO DO..........WELLZ..itz all over now...
Mugging.........cya!
|1:30 PM|
Wokayz...event after receiving the bad news...................Pardon my english....
A few days after the event, I caught a flu. Not that bad aint it when it is just flu cum cough cum fever. As there was a lot of work still due to be hand in, i had to deal with it. Only to have this running tap mucus to be stopped by the tissues. Damn! I ate medicine and thank goodness I am fine the following day. OF COURSE NOT! My fever is at a constant temp..i wonder how i managed to keep it down..must be the cough syrup of CAP IBU N ANAK. Yeah..i lurve that cough syrup...always works wonders..As its friday....I spent the weekend sleeping like a log leaving my hwk undone..do it a little bit here and there.
Then...it went well on the week that passed by and again by wednesday(a coincidence), my fever came again. Gosh, must be my staying up late again. Never mind, I stayed on being strong cuz I need to buy some new shoes and clothes for the interview the following day which I did pretty badly...haiz..so sad but never mind.Its only 10%. Learnt a lot though...Never ever search ur answers on the ceiling...Look at the face for the answer....By the time, it reaches friday, I knew I had to do something..I sleep early again...By saturday, the fever subsided and by today..i could go to Ubin. Reason for today's mucus running like a tap is because the whole team bathes in the RAIN. Heavy rain...
My immunity is very low..Thus..The mucus is like a running tap again..I hope everything goes well tomorrow..This month is a very important month. Its the exam month. If I am sick for this month...I will get nuthing unless I fainted during the exams period...Gosh, I heard if u faint, they give u second chances...But who wants to study twice..I have to get well! Thus, I have to focus and not dwell on the news cuz I dun want to be sick of being heartbroken. Let me be sick after the whole exams is over....even then..I am taking practical lessons...Best not to be sick at all! Hahaz!
Did I mention that I notice my eyes is getting a bit swollen? I practically dunnoe the answer at all...I think I cry in my sleep? Cuz I alwayz have this sad dream that makes me cry in my sleep..It ever happens before so I think its normal..How I know? My eyes are wet and are difficult to open when I woke up? Its a sign of crying in ur sleep ryte? I guess so...Dreams are just figments of imaginations...So nothing to worry about. Just hope tonite I wont cry in my sleep again..hahaz..Dont ask what dreams i have cuz I forgot what it is...
Yeah, guess thatz it for now...pardon my english...Gotta go now and finish up my report.....Its nearly there....Bubbye! Cya around!
|11:21 PM|